Lettera

Cara me,

 

ti ho visto, oggi mentre ti alzavi dal letto. La luce accesa dalla tua parte. Non ti giri neanche più a vedere l’altro comodino. Non c’è più niente da vedere. E’ rimasto solo l’essenziale, i suoi occhiali ora, sono su un altro comodino. Cosa puoi farci? È come vedere una scritta sul muro. Ci passi davanti un milione di volte, poi un giorno, la leggi.

“Luca mi hai bucato l’anima”.

Avresti potuto fare qualcosa. Sì, lo so. Invece l’hai lasciato andare. La storia che non volevi incatenarlo, che lo volevi felice. Baggianate. Perché continui a raccontarle a tutti? Ti sei incastrata in una serie infinita di ricordi che ti fanno soffrire. Anche la tristezza è diventata nostalgia. Hai le occhiaie. Nascondi il tuo corpo in otto strati di pile enormi. Esci con il sole, ma sembri trascinare un’ombra pesante di pioggia.

“Nessun faro si nasconde alla tempesta”.

C’è scritto sul muro del mercato. Ormai è scrostato dagli anni e dalla salsedine che si è mangiata anche tutte le inferriate che danno sulla strada. Ci sono sempre i soliti banchi di gente dal sorriso teso e le occhiaie gonfie. Compri sempre le stesse cose e cucini. Nutri i figli che ti guardano, ma non dicono niente. Chiedono. Sanno solo chiedere e sottolineare mancanze. Tua figlia ti ruba le magliette e quando le lavi, le riponi direttamente nel suo armadio. Ti sei rintanata sotto uno strato spesso di indifferenza, ma il tuo cuore batte ancora? .

“Io e te siamo un Quore solo”.

Lo vorresti scrivere sul muro di casa invece di lasciarlo lì. Un cuore con la Q, perché anche il cuore sbaglia, ma ormai lui è andato via mesi fa. Ha lasciato quattro stracci. Potevi fare qualcosa e invece non hai fatto niente. Come sempre. Smettila di costruirti castelli di carta. È andato via. E tu devi andare al lavoro. Prendi la borsa, ci hai messo tutto? Fa caldo già alle sette di mattino. Alla stazione di Ostia, le chiome dei pini sono immobili. Niente vento.

“L’amore ti fotte”.

Ti passi la borsa sull’altro braccio, perché si è già appiccicata. Non la sopporti. Non sopporti neanche l’afa opprimente che si scaglia su Roma ogni estate. “L’amore ti fotte”. Chiunque lo abbia scritto lo dovrebbe riportare su ogni singolo muro, segnalibro, libro. Romanzo. Lettera. Articolo di giornale. Anche sulla carta igienica. Ti fotte e al posto delle farfalle nello stomaco, ti mette le fragole intinte nel viakal.

Non si tratta di vincitori o vinti. Non è una guerra, ma la corazza non l’hai mai avuta. Preferisci girarti dalla parte del muro, pur di non guardare la parte del letto vuota. Tieni il suo cuscino sotto al lenzuolo per non accarezzarlo e piangere.

 

 

 

“C’è un filo logico e la gente ci inciampa”.

Quando il treno si ferma ad Acilia, la scritta in nero campeggia sotto l’indicazione della stazione. L’hanno scritta in stampatello minuscolo. Non trovi la penna per riscriverla sul tuo quaderno. Ma non serve, te la ricorderai. Hai una memoria da elefante. C’è una cosa però che ora devi fare.

Affrontare le tue paure, i tuoi rimorsi e tutti quei rimpianti che hai collezionato tra le lenzuola fredde. Non trascrivere frasi dai muri. Hai già otto quaderni, tutti cominciati e mai finiti. Ma alla fine cosa pensi possano dirti delle frasi scritte con delle bombolette?

Non sono verità. Sono solo pezzi di muri imbrattati. Niente a che vedere con i sogni. Che fine hanno fatto i tuoi? Loro sono sempre stata la tua parte immortale, le tue ali. La nave che ti permetteva di salpare in ogni momento.  Non è la fuga, la piega dove nasconderti, perché ora è solo un’altra piaga. Una delle tante in cui ti sei rifugiata per non esporti.

“Ci sono treni che ti passano sopra una volta sola”.

E dal sedile sporco della metro, guardi le cicche di sigarette che stanno all’angolo tra la fine del vagone e la porta. Il tanfo dei turisti ammassati, ti arriva in una sola zaffata che ti costringe a girarti.  Tiri fuori il quaderno viola e comincia a scrivere anche quella frase incastrata tra un sedile rotto e l’altro. Una signora ti guarda. Vorresti dirle ma cosa cazzo guardi ma poi le parole si arrotolano insieme alla lingua. Vorresti spaccare tutto e cancellare ogni singola scritta. Il treno rallenta, si ferma. Apre le porte e una massa umana informe se ne sta davanti a te, pronta per inghiottirti. La scansi come faresti con la peste. Esci e cammini a passi svelti per non guardare nessuno.

“C’è della Gloria nel Non essere Compresi”.

Vaffanculo, e lo urli a mezza bocca. Il barbone sdraiato sotto l’ala nuova di Termini si gira e alza la bottiglia di birra piena a metà. Fili spedita verso la fermata del centosessantuno che sarà sicuramente in ritardo, vista l’ora. Fa già troppo caldo e la maglietta ha due grossi aloni. Sei stanca. Vorresti scomparire e non riapparire più, ma continui a camminare. Possibile che sei arrivata fino a questo punto? L’edicola in fondo al marciapiede espone il cartellone con i concorsi. L’autobus non arrivi, allora fai il giro dell’edicola per guardare le copertine dei giornali di punto croce. E la scopri.

“Non voglio che i nostri destini si perdano nell’infinito. E tu?”

Ieri non c’era. Ti fermi a leggerla, mentre la fermata si riempie di gente assonnata e senza direzione. Ti rimetti a posto i capelli, poi ti ricordi che dovresti fare la tinta. Anche se vai a fare le pulizie presso una signora anziana, sei sempre una donna. Una donna che ha scritto un romanzo, sbriciolando sul computer ore di sonno. Dove è finto? In quale cassetto? Non lasciare che ammuffisca insieme a tutte le cose che hai lasciato a metà. Annoda tutte le scritte sui muri che hai trascritto in questi mesi, vestile, immergiti nell’inchiostro e poi componi altre parole. Le tue. L’attesa non è una boa di salvataggio.

“Dopotutto domani è un altro giorno”.

Te la dovresti scrivere sullo specchio in bagno. Con il rossetto rosso. E la dovresti leggere tutti i giorni ad alta voce.

Con affetto, l’altra te.

174 Thoughts.

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