Io sono come l’acqua

 

 

Piove, fuori. Le gocce rimbalzano sul vetro. Nella stanza odore di urina. Intenso. Lo stordisce ogni mattina come una carezza al contrario. Conta le maioliche al limite del bordo del lavandino. Una è crepata. L’altra è azzurra.

Uno…due…tre.

E’ seduto sulla sedia, aspetta il suo turno. Si concentra sulla gamba che si muove con dei movimenti a scatti. La guarda, non ha modo di non pensare. I ricordi si accavallano, è tutto un fuoriuscire di sensazioni che si rincorrono. Poi esce. Esce dalla sua dimensione ed è lì. In quella stanza, la tuta addosso, lo stemma della nazione cucito sul lato sinistro. Lo sente strusciare mentre si sposta sulla sedia di ferro. E’ chiuso in una stanza non diversa da quella dove passa le sue giornate. Altra gente come lui. Altre tute, altri stemmi. Tutti con lo sguardo basso a cercare di inseguire la gloria. La fama. Il podio. A mangiare con gli occhi un futuro servito su un piatto che viene portato una sola volta. Due file da quattro atleti. I giudici ai quattro angoli della stanza. Come le statue, o le medicine sul comodino. La porta chiusa.

Il barattolo con le urine consegnate due ore prima. Nessuno ha barato. Niente droga. Nessuna busta con una squalifica è entrata nell’unica stanza verde acqua.

Aspettavano.

Aspettavamo.

C’ero io lì dentro. Aspettavo come loro un cenno, una parola. Uno sguardo dei giudici. I minuti si erano congelati nelle gambe delle sedie o nei respiri troppo sconsiderati di chi si sentiva già forte. La terza corsia, la quarta e la quinta. I favoriti. La sesta era solo uno scarto, uno sputo di secondi mangiati su un altro piatto. Non c’era gloria, forse una medaglia di legno. Insignificante.

Quattro…cinque.

La prima sedia struscia, l’ultimo si alza. L’acqua è azzurra. Si respira aria già calda. Il petto nudo incontra lo stemma dall’altra parte della tuta. La cuffia stringe, gli occhialetti allungano il mondo ai lati degli occhi. L’acqua è tutto intorno. Le corsie rosse sembrano barche capovolte pronte per essere spinte, non possono essere tocccate, sono un muro invisibile che non puoi scontrare o sei fuori. Qualsisi battito di ciglia fuori posto e sei finito. Tutto si gioca in una manciata di minuti. E un’altra sedia di ferro colorata di bianco, ma scostrata ai lati, si sposta su un pavimento liscio. Non c’è traccia di muffa. Lavata via come la gloria del precedente nuotatore. La gente del pubblico sembra di nuovo addormentata. Non esultano come allo stadio, sembrano finti o stanchi. Qualche striscione compare, le nazioni più forti hanno i loro fans, gente privata, forse pagata. Forse solo madri e padri con gli occhi lucidi.

Sei…sette.

La tuta entra nel contenitore. Le ciabatte anche. Il costume è l’unico filtro. La sua testa è altrove. Fuori da ogni schema.

Dieci.

Un rito che dura dieci secondi, ti spogli e ti esponi. Ti guardano, contano ogni singolo muscolo sul tuo torace. La riga nera al centro della corsia ti ricorda dove devi andare. Unica deriva da inseguire. Unica scia da prendere in considerazione. Non puoi perderti.

Primo fischio. Sul blocco di partenza. I piedi uniti. Le spalle che lanciano un’onda che tenta di rilassare le braccia. Ci muoviamo tutti come manichini sbatcchiati dal vento, ognuno guarda la sua riga nera.

A posto

I piedi paralleli. Le mani che incontrano il blocco freddo, tutto è silenzio. I pollici si stringono intorno al bordo del blocco, le nocche dgli indici diventano biancanstre. Ongi sinogolo muscolo è tirato, pronto per scattare.

Sono una molla, sono una molla.

Undici… tredici… quindici.

Il peso del corpo leggermente indietro. L’arbitro sta per fischiare, passano quindici secondi a volte venti. Non lo vedo ma posso solo intuire il movimento  di portarsi il fischietto alla bocca con un gesto lento. Quasi fosse un boia che aspetta chi cade, chi si lancia per primo. Un movimento e sei fuori. La sesta corsia. Il mondo sarà fermo davanti alla televisione. Oggi o mai più. Ogni singolo muscolo è pronto. Ogni singolo occhio giudicherà tutto. Parleranno in tante lingue diverse per descrivermi.

-Via.

Le braccia si alzano il corpo ha come una vibrazione, le gambe spingono le anche, allungano la schiena che si inarca leggermente. Ma è solo un riflesso, l’intero corpo scatta, sono un gatto che sta per tuffarsi sulla preda. Sono un ragazzo che si butta su milioni di kilometri già macinati e polverizzati davanti ai suoi occhi. L’acqua. Sto per toccare l’acqua fredda. L’acqua, il celeste colore odore di cloro che si impregna in ogni angolo di pelle. Di sudore, di idee, di lacrime. Sono io. Io e il mondo che giudicherà tutto di me. Anche il movimento del mignolo.

Sedici…diciasette…venti.

Sono una freccia,  sono una freccia e l’acqua mi avvolge le gambe che spingono potenti. I miei polpacci erano acerbi come frutti, li hanno saputi far maturare. La prima gambata è sott’acqua, sono nella mia bolla. La prima , sto per uscire allo scoperto ma non sentirò nulla se non il rumore dell’acqua quando incontra il mio corpo. Il mio allnenatore è fermo al solito posto, alla destra della panchina, con il cronometro in mano nonostante il conto dei secondi sia digitale, lui vuole il suo strumento. Non respira, è un ex atleta, un adespota. Lui ha la stessa grinta di quanto nuotava con venti kili di più. Spinge con le parole, le sue bracciate sono le vasche che pensa di fare nella sua testa.

Io non diventerò mai un allenatore, non so dare ordini, solo eseguire. Devo fare questa gara perchè altrimenti non avrò più la forza per quello che veramente voglio fare. Potrei fermarmi qui, è pur sempre l’acqua olimpica e invece vado avanti. Sono pazzo, questo lo sapevo ancora prima di tuffarmi.

La testa buca l’acqua sono una freccia che trafigge, sono una freccia che buca. Le spalle, le scapole, un colpo di reni e sono sott’acqua di nuovo. Acqua, la mia bolla di protezione, la mia unica madre. La striscia nera è sotto di me, dove mi portarà lo saprà solo lei. Lei può farmi arrivare lontano o prendermi per i piedi.

La corsia accanto cerca di superarmi, lo lascio fare, vedo il terzo sembra già lontano ma non posso tradirmi.

Ventidue.

Ventidue maioliche da corsia a corsia al limitare del bordo, si rincorrono in quattro file al pelo dell’acqua. La prima vasca, troppo veloce, unica. Il primo amore da dimenticare subito. Devo scalvalcare l’onda, battere entrambe le mani e sono dall’altra parte. Seconda vasca. Cambia la visuale, ma non cambia la striscia nera da seguire. Lei mi spinge, sono un carrello, nessuno mi prenderà. Terza vasca, un altro bordo ventidue per quattro, un’infinità di virate già fatte fino ad ora. Le mani battono, poi i piedi, un’altra spinta per uscire fuori dal corpo della madre che mi ha accudito per questi anni. Verruche, funghi, costumi scoloriti dal cloro, elastici slabrati. Sento lo sforzo. Ho solo una vasca, l’ultima virata e il mio amore sta per consumarsi. Non lo vedrò più con gli stessi occhi.

Seguo la striscia, mi porta a toccare sempre lo stesso bordo, vedo ormai la testa della terza corsia, siamo vicini a un un uomo di distanza, un canadese che si è messo in mezzo. Un uomo dai colori chiari. La testa bianca e rossa per la bandiera a foglia di acero.

Trenta.

Sono trenta respiri per quaranta bracciate. Ogni movimento della testa ne ha due di scapole. La fine è vicina. Non sento niente, l’acqua è solo un altro ostacolo come la testa a stelle e strisce di chi vorrebbe portarmi via il mio traguardo. Non glielo lascerà fare, mio padre mi ha bucato il pallone per costringermi a nuotare, io volevo fare il calciatore. Volevo la fama, i soldi, la gloria. Me l’ha bucato con un chiodo, era il mio regalo di compleanno in un giugno anonimo. Mia madre aveva risparmiato  e nascosto i soldi per comprarmi quel pallone. Non ha voltuto neanche che tirassi un calcio, mi ha trascinato al fiume.

-Devi nuotare, non rincorrere una palla.

Mi ha buttato in acqua, non sapevo che fare. Sono andato sotto, sono risalito, ho lanciato un grido ma mio padre non si è mosso. Voleva che io nuotassi subito, ha buttato via il pallone, pensava che la rabbia mi facesse nuotare subito. Il fiume invece mi avrebbe portava via. Un signore mi ha preso per i vestiti quando ero ormai esausto. Mi ha portato in spiaggia che sputavo acqua e piangevo.

-Ci vediamo alle cinque domani alla piscina comunale, corri a casa e asciugati.

Ha cominciato ad allenarmi forse non voleva che un altro bambino morisse in un gelido fiume per colpa di padri alla ricerca di una gloria post guerra, forse mio padre aveva avuto un pallone e non era diventato famoso, forse mio padre non era mio padre. Mangiavo tanto, mi allenavo ancora di più, respiravo allargando la gabbia toracica.

L’arrivo è in una frazione di secondi. Io e l’americano. Noi siamo l’antico conflitto, la gente sarà in piedi sugli spalti, mio padre non è qui a guardarmi. Troppo impegnato con i suoi ideali. E’ morto trascinando anche noi, mia madre e mio fratello nel suo baratro. Ci ha affogato nelle sue colpe, ma io ho imparato a nuotare.

Non mi interessa ora, c’è solo una cosa che rivoglio: quel pallone e finchè non vincerò non potrò riconquistarlo. Tutto è nel mio respiro. Testa, braccia, gambe ancora quaranta micro movimenti, la striscia diventa una T che si interrompe nelle maioliche celesti. E’ finita. Devo solo toccare per primo, solo toccare per pirmo, la testa si alza di più delle spalle.

Sono una freccia, una freccia che tenterà di penetrare l’acqua. Io sono come l’acqua. L’acqua che accoglie. La madre che culla. L’ultimo sforzo appanna il respiro, la vista. I muscoli sono l’ultima cosa che sento poi vado a memoria, quante volte ho toccato il bordo sperando di essere visto, oggi sono in televisosione, la mia squadra è qui al centro del mondo. Rivedranno questa finale milioni di ragazzi come me. Io sono come la freccia che buca l’acqua, stendo le mani per toccare il bordo. Devo toccarlo con entrambe, è la regola. L’ultima gambata e scivolo dentro me stesso, finendo per frantumare l’ultimo respiro che ho ancora in corpo. La testa si infila dentro l’acqua e posso solo lasciarmi trasportare fino a incontrare il bordo o morire. L’onda d’acqua mi rimbalza addosso, la sento scivolare sulle spalle.

E’ finita.

Io e la terza corsia abbiamo toccato. Una manciata di millisecondi decreterà chi ha vinto. Manciate irrisorie di illusioni che si sono diluite in due minuti e sono attaccate alla corsia, che ora mi tiene a galla. Mi giro. Il tabellone riporta i nomi. Tutti i nomi. Il mio. Il mio è in cima. Ho mangiato la testa di quello a stelle e strisce. Io ho vinto. Io sono la freccia che ha bucato l’acqua, non sento un singolo muscolo neanche il cuore battere, alzo il braccio a un cielo coperto da tubi di ferro coperti di bandiere e  l’acqua schizza fuori, sono impazzito. Grido pallone, pallone nella mia lingua madre che nessuno capisce. Grido il nome di mio padre e lo maledico. Lo maledico per questa vittoria che mi porterà a voler ancora vincere. Mi tolgo la cuffia, gli occhialetti stringo le mani degli avversari e con un balzo sono fuori. Saluto tutti. E’ finita. E’ veramente finita ora. Ora voglio la mia vita. La mia vita che si è attorcigliata chissà dove.

Bussano alla porta. Le gocce rimbalzano sul mio viso. No, sono anche sul vetro, scivolano sul bordo della finestra. Devo rimanere concentrato. Uno…due…tre.

-Evy siamo qui.

Le voci sono lontane, mi metto la tuta, ho i capelli bagnati.

-Come è andata la giornata.

-Non mi disturbate. Ora no. E poi perchè mi continuate a chiamare così?

-E’ora della medicina.

-Non ho bisogno di nessuna medicina io, devo salire sul podio. E’ finita, devo comprarmi un pallone e gicare a calcio.

I due infermieri si guardano e scuotono la testa. Hanno sentito quella frase un milione di volte.

-Deve riposare.

-Non voglio riposare.

-Evy non faccia storie vedrà che domani mattina adrà meglio. Sua moglie verrà a trovarlo, si avvicina Natale e anche i suoi nipoti verranno a portarle dei dolci.

-Io non ho famiglia, ho appena vinto l’oro olimpico.

I due infermieri si guardano, sanno che Evy non è con loro. Sanno che quel nomignolo lo disturba, ma non riescono a pronunciare il suo vero nome. La puntura lo farà dormire fino al mattino successivo, e sperano che qualcuno lo venga presto a trovare, sono anni che è dentro l’istituto.

-Adesso andiamo verso il podio.

Lo coricano dalla sedia al letto.

Uno… due… tre.

Tre movimenti del corpo. Braccia testa gambe.

-Questa ti farà riposare.

-Io sono come l’acqua.

Un gesto veloce della mano.

-Si comporta così solo quando piove.

L’infermiere più giovane buca il braccio con un movimento annoiato e stanco.

-Adesso dormirai e farai un bel sogno.

-Io sogno ad occhi aperti. I miei occhialetti non si appannano mai.

-Notte… Evy.

L’infermiera grossa e con il camice sporco si sporge verso la finestra, chiude le tende. La luce di un lampione non si vede nemmeno. Il viale è ricoperto di foglie in terra e pozzanghere. Lei non sa nuotare. Odia l’acqua. Lo guarda, nella sua testa prova a dire il suo nome che si interompe. Troppo difficile.

– Forza andiamo, tanto dormirà fino a domani.

Chiude gli occhi e smette di piovere. Fuori. Dentro no.

 

 

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