I volti girati

Ci si abitua a dipingere i volti degli altri e non a fare figli. Quelli mi erano preclusi. Non c’era nessuna formula chimica o alchimica che mi permettesse di averli. Il mio corpo li rifiutava. Non ero un nido sicuro. Arrivava il pensiero, ma era subito scalzato da una nuova sconfitta. Una solo riga sul test di gravidanza.  Era tutto a posto, mi continuavano a ripetere medici, assistenti, anche la portinaia, eppure qualcosa dentro al mio corpo diceva no. Una piccola imperfezione? Una trincea che segnava gli anni che rimanevano da passare in solitudine? Non riuscivo a capire.

–Signora è tutto a posto.

Un mantra che si ripeteva da oltre vent’anni. I figli non erano arrivati. I figli non sarebbero mai arrivati.

–Hai il tuo lavoro di maestra, i bambini sono sempre con te, ti adorano.

Perché essere una maestra significa forse allevare i figli degli altri? Metterli a letto, raccontargli le favole, permettere loro di uscire dal tuo corpo? O solo insegnarli a leggere e scrivere?  Per le mie colleghe c’era qualcosa di naturale nel mio lavoro. Qualcosa che avrebbe tolto qualsiasi mancanza presente e futura.

–Hai i tuoi bambini in classe. Sei fortunata.

Alunni indisciplinati figli di genitori prepotenti che masticavano la gomma e sputavano in terra. Erano quelli i miei bambini? Ecco perché non ne partorivo uno, la mia pancia si rifiutava di essere partecipe a quel teatrino. Ma non erano tutti così i bambini.  Entravo spesso nei negozi per neonati. Annusavo le tutine, i ciucchi aperti in esposizione, guardavo le pance. Quell’enorme fardello da portare per nove mesi. Quel camminare a papera. I piedi gonfi, i vestiti come lenzuola piegate. Le guardavo, le osservavo e quando uscivo dal negozio, mangiavo. La mia pancia era sempre vuota ma in qualche modo la riempivo. Di frustrazione, immagini, volti tirati dagli ormoni e di un futuro che era solo nella mia testa. Oltre lo zucchero, naturalmente. I kili si erano accumulati proprio dove non dovevano. La pancia era flaccida ma rotonda. La accarezzavo di nascosto quando la pregavo di non far arrivare il ciclo. La accarezzavo come si sfiora una fiera affamata. Si gira e ti morde. Ha fame, non ha nessuna pietà.

-Signora posso aiutarla?

-No, non è per me. Mia nipote sa…

– Capisco le faccio vedere la nuova collezione, sa quado nascerà?

Mai. Non ho nessuna nipote. Alfredo non lo sa delle mie escursione in questi negozi. Non è mai andato in soffitta a rovistare negli scatoloni. O forse non ha mai detto niente. Non dice più niente. Se ne sta al lavoro e poi in poltrona. Dorme e ricomincia il suo ciclo. Parla a monosillabi. Un giorno uscirà dalla porta di casa e tornerà con un bambino confezionato. Già fatto. Pronto per essere cresciuto, amato, vestito. Un giorno sono sicura lo farà e finirà questo nostro essere distanti. Una distanza che si tramuta in opacità, in una nebbia fitta di sentimenti che si disperdono giorno dopo giorno. Non ci possiamo fare niente e eppure la cosa più naturale del mondo ci è stata negata, finendo così per essere la così più odiata e desiderata allo stesso tempo. Fa male sperare, è un uncino che si conficca sempre dallo stesso lato, lo sopporti per tutto il periodo dell’illusione e poi si conficca sempre più in profondità nella carne. Sempre più. Fino ad arrivare al cuore. Ed è solo il primo passo nello spazio colloso, dove galleggiare. Quello che volevi riempire, ma che è nascosto anche ai tuoi stessi pensieri. E’ un tempo vuoto, cieco, senza colore. E rimani in attesa di un miracolo.

-Vedrai se non ci pensi arrivano due e tre bambini insieme.

Sarà che il mio pensiero è stato sempre lì, alla pancia, al semino, al bambino che non ho mai permesso al mio cervello di andare in vacanza. Ero sempre negli stessi negozi. Compravo le tutine ogni volta che il ritardo del ciclo era di due settimane. Le sceglievo colorate. Ne ho solo due rosa. Una con dei fiocchetti e l’altra di morbida ciniglia con gli orsetti Sono le mie due preferite.  Anna e Gaia. Ogni mio figlio per quanto breve è stata la sua esistenza nei miei pensieri, ha un nome. Ma non sono sicura neanche che ci fosse un figlio, speravo di essere incinta per addolcire la società che mi voleva madre a tutti i costi.

– Proviamo con un ciclo di ormoni.

Aspettavo prima di fare il test, mi dicevo domani. Volevo vivere quei giorni come unici. Sentire tutte le sensazioni amplificate di un futuro da inseguire. A test fatto, arrivava il ciclo. Di Gaia le due lineette erano rosa deboli, ma non so perché il ciclo il giorno dopo aveva spazzato tutto. Nessuno però ha visto quelle due lineette, solo io. Ho pianto per mesi. Piangevo per una bambina costruita nella mia testa. Era la stessa che vedevo allo specchio la mattina prima di andare a scuola. Ero io che ritornavo nella mia pancia.

-Se è destino arriveranno.

E se non lo è? O si impazzisce o si finisce per rassegnarsi. E non si convogliano le energie in qualcos’altro. Quelle si esauriscono come i sogni, bolle di sapone trasparenti, delicate che al sole scoppiano. All’improvviso, proprio quando ne hai assaporato la bellezza. Non c’è modo di recuperarle. Rimane il ricordo amaro di qualcosa che non hai saputo trattenere, o cogliere. Neanche se intingi i pennelli nel rosso più brillante per dipingere sorrisi. La vita sfuma. I volti si girano dentro alla tela e rimani con un pennello sporco di colore.

80 Thoughts.

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