Elena forse con l’acca

Quando entrava da quella porta gli occhi sapevano già quale strada gli appartenesse. Finivano sempre tra il bancone e gli sgabelli rossi alti. Laggiù dove la gente si confondeva con altra gente. Lì c’era un minuscolo spazio dove si affacciava la pelle malconcia di un sedile. Il suo preferito. Aveva un graffio. Un solco nella pelle che gli ricordava il merletto di sua nonna quando ci infilava le dita. Ci si puliva le mani di nascosto. Quando nessuno lo vedeva, sgattaiolava nella stanza da letto e frugava nell’armadio. Tirava fuori dalle buste i pizzi conservati e ci si puliva le mani unte. Nonna Belenia non diceva mai niente, si diceva che non ci vedesse più bene da tempo.

-Il solito?

-Sì.

-Ieri avevi detto che non saresti più venuto.

-Ho trovato un piccolo prestito.

-Ma perché non ti cerchi un lavoro?

-Ce l’avevo il lavoro prima che quei…

-Dicono tutti così.

-E chi lo darebbe a uno ridotto così, ora?

-Senti ci sono tante associazioni, puoi rivolgerti a loro e sperare in qualcosa. Sai…

-Non mi interessa anche mia nonna parlava sempre di speranza e misericordia divina. E’ morta sola.

-Perché vieni qui?

-E tu?

-Io ci lavoro.

Era morta da quasi trent’anni e ancora la ricordava come una roccia che continuava a dar ordini ai quattro muri che le facevano compagnia e a mettere su stampelle con vestiti e bordure. Niente l’avrebbe uccisa, né l’alcol che ogni tanto compariva da sotto la gonna, né la sigaretta fumata dopo la messa della domenica. Eppure anche il Dio in cui credeva aveva avuto misericordia e ormai quasi cieca, se l’era portata su in cielo. Si era addormentata una sera in poltrona e non si era più svegliata. L’ago infilato nel tessuto, la doppia lente, il vestito a fiori piccoli e scuri addosso. Un respiro e poi fine. Se ne era andata silenziosamente facendo quello che sapeva fare meglio. Cucire, mettere insieme stoffe diverse, farle diventare qualcos’altro.

-C’è stasera?

-C’è sempre lei.

-Perché lavora qui?

-Perché lo vuoi sapere?

-Mi piace.

-Non fa per te. Lascia perdere amico.

-Ma tu cosa ne sai di cosa mi serve, un altro, sbrigati.

-Prima i soldi.

-Sì, eccoli, ‘sti dannati soldi… tutti a chiedere soldi. Tutti.

-Amico stai calmo, o ti faccio sbattere fuori.

Il nonno aveva una trebbiatrice, a fine estate si metteva nei campi e tiravi via tutto il biondo che c’era, Nella fiaschetta aveva sempre qualcosa di forte, anche d’agosto, sotto il sole quando non si respirava, lui il suo goccio se lo beveva alla faccia della mala sorte. Poi un giorno con la sua trebbiatrice se ne era andato, senza lasciare traccia. Dicevano che era uno svitato, che non ci stava con la testa. Aggrediva chi si intrufolava nella sua campagna, spaventava le coppiette. Un giorno però si era dissolto nel nulla, nonna lo sapeva dove era finito ma non ne parlò mai. Un Gran Canyon di segreti le avevano attraversato la mente scavando in fondo fino a toglierle la parola. Le era rimasto solo il suo lavoro e una misera pensione.

-Senti la vuoi sapere una cosa?

-Se proprio ci tieni.

-Io so dove abita.

-Chi?

-Lei.

-Amico non metterti nei guai, non so più come dirtelo.

-Io voglio solo toccarla una volta, vorrei che lei si avvicinasse a me e non come fa con tutti i clienti, vorrei essere solo suo. Una carezza.

-Senti, io non dovrei dirtelo ma…

-Dammene un altro e stai zitto. Lo vedi, le luci si sono abbassate e ora comincia la sua danza.

-Tu, amico, rischi di brutto e sei quasi ubriaco prima dello spettacolo.

-Vorrei sognare. Dammene un altro.

-L’ultimo poi te ne vai.

-Non puoi cacciarmi puoi solo darmi da bere.

-Amico non sfidare la sorte.

Economia o giurisprudenza. Aveva scelto la prima, meno articoli da imparare a memoria, ma con il padre avvocato avrebbe avuto la strada spianata. Università a Milano, studente fuori sede, soldi in tasca, una stanza e libri da studiare. Aveva mentito fino a quando era stato possibile, poi aveva vuotato il sacco. Lui non era tagliato per l’università, voleva vivere la vita come si affacciava al mattino. Non era mai stato uno deciso, rimandava ogni tipo di risposta. Viveva nel limbo, erano gli altri a decidere di allontanarsi da lui e per questo si sentiva rifiutato. Aveva fatto il liceo solo perché lo volevano i suoi genitori. Perché sprecare tanto tempo davanti ai libri di scuola? Era meglio fumare in riva al mare d’inverno oppure sballarsi la sera. Eppure nel fondo del bicchiere, accanto all’ultima goccia di rum, si chiedeva se quello che aveva pensato tanti anni prima non fosse solo una scusa per non affrontare la vita. Voleva viverla, ma poi la guardava scorrere. E ora? E se il barista avesse avuto ragione. Lei non si sarebbe mai avvicinata a un fallito.

-E’ bellissima.

La chiamava Elena. Forse si scriveva con la acca, quei lunghi capelli biondi la faceva appartenere a un impero lontano, ma non gli interessava come si chiamasse. Gli occhi, guardava quegli occhi seducenti e penetranti che gli entravano come carezze appuntite sotto la camicia. Voleva saperli suoi. Solo suoi.

-Un altro.

Per lui era una vergine che non poteva essere violata, lui poteva solo guardarla. Gli altri potevano farle qualsiasi cosa, lui no. La credeva simile a lui. Un rifiuto appallottolato e rimesso in circolazione solo per far piacere ad altri. Per sottolineare l’incapacità di riuscire. Quello che faceva la differenza era la luce che avvolgeva tutto il locale quando lei entrava. Lo spettacolo, il palo, i vestiti che scendevano lentamente dal corpo come peccati lavati, il seno morbido che strusciava il palo, la lingua che si arrotolava nei pensieri di tutti. Lo sguardo che elemosinava mani e mentre attizzava ogni piacere le sue dita si infilavano in mezzo al graffio nel sedile rosso. La pelle ogni sera si divaricava di più. C’era una specie di ovatta che spingeva le dita sempre più in profondità. L’avrebbero sostituito prima o poi ma finché rimaneva lì, sempre al solito posto, lui era al sicuro. Al riparo dal mondo, da quella vita che rimaneva fuori dal locale, fredda e silenziosa come sua nonna.

-Lo spettacolo è quasi finito peccato.

-E’ così tutte le sere.

-Dovreste allungarlo di una mezz’ora.

-Dillo al capo.

-Di che colore ha gli occhi?

-Celesti, credo.

-I miei sono marroni, starebbero bene insieme.

-Amico, non farti strane idee, quella sta con il capo.

-Io voglio solo uno sguardo.

Quando le luci si accendevano il graffio quasi scompariva. Il bancone imbrattato di mani e sporco di gocce e briciole tornava subito pulito. Il barista in camicia bianca e papillion nero aveva sempre lo stesso atteggiamento. Distillava speranze e frantumava illusioni, come fossero ghiaccio. Le bottiglie di rum semi vuote venivano sostituite presto da quelle piene. Tutto doveva sembrare sempre allo stesso punto. Non si doveva mai avere la sensazione che la notte finisse.  Ma dietro quelle finestre coperte di scuro, dietro le tende dove le ballerine nude si nascondevano, lui usciva nell’umidità del mattino tenendo la giacca stretta sulle spalle. Seguiva la ragazza fino alla macchina dove entrava a passi veloci su tacchi vertiginosi. La bocca lucida di rossetto. Le mani ancorati alla borsetta. La guardava fuggire via. Gettarsi in un altro cassonetto fino alla notte successiva. Dove avrebbe trovato altri soldi? Li avrebbe rubati. Quel Dio a cui la nonna si ancorava perché il nonno non tornasse più non poteva biasimarlo, era stato lui a metterlo in quella situazione. Lui sapeva perché il nonno era dovuto sparire insieme alla trebbiatrice e a quei pomeriggi tra l’erba a raccontare storie. Lui sapeva e nessun altro. Ma non c’era tempo per ricordare. I ricordi andavano bevuti e riposti ogni notte con la stessa cura con cui si affacciavano quando tornavano. Non serviva a nessuno sapere la verità eppure l’ultima cosa che sperava era proprio che la verità venisse fuori. La macchina sgommava e all’angolo la guardava scomparire tra le strade di periferia mentre il neon lampeggiava. Ci sarebbero stati altri spettacoli, altre donne. Altre vite da bere.

Ancora una volta sei fuggita, ma domani tornerò e i tuoi occhi verranno con me, Elena. Non fuggirai per sempre.

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