Cartastraccia

cartastraccia

Era il solito andirivieni. Un formicaio di operaie che portavano cibo dentro la tana e uscivano poi per procurarsi altre briciole. Ci si poteva fermare a guardare tutte quelle persone senza perdere l’orientamento. Il mondo però non si sarebbe fermato a risolvere i miei interrogativi, ormai rimandavo la mia scelta come si scansa una punizione che è lì pronta a sferrarti poi il colpo più duro. Perché l’attesa ha un peso, si accumula in un angolo e poi bang come un boomerang è pronta a far tornare indietro parole, intenzioni, sogni, sacrifici e rimorsi. Forse sono i primi che vengono sparati a velocità della luce.

Dovevo solo tornare a casa. Riaprire la porta, chiedere scusa del ritardo e riprendere la mia vita. Quale? Era quello che mi chiedevo davanti alle formiche operaie con le borse di pelle nera che filavano sul marciapiede intente a non calpestarsi. Si scambiavano informazioni sui ritardi, mappe, vie. Discorsi a cui mi ero sottratto fissando un biglietto di sola andata. O solo ritorno, perché effettivamente io avevo vissuto le due settimane più incredibili della mia vita. Ero scivolato senza impegno nei suoi occhi prima ancora che nella sua bocca e nel suo letto. Era stata la tana più efficace. Ormai sconfitto da una quotidianità opprimente, lei era stata la mia migliore fuga. Tutti ignari del mio svicolare verso lei, ero stato bravo a depistare e tutte le volte che fornivo una bugia l’adrenalina saliva. Sapevo che potevo essere scoperto, che da un momento all’altro sarei saltato sotto qualche bomba, che avrei trovato mia moglie al campanello con nostro figlio attaccato al seno grondante di latte che implorava una serie di perché. Eppure lei era lontana nella sua routine di mamma perfetta, di super mamma dei pannolini lavabili, già asciutti prima ancora di essere lavati, con il suo biberon sterilizzato senza prodotti chimici, truccata e pettinata alle cinque del mattino. Sembrava un robot a cui non avevano dato però nessun bottone da spingere per chiedermi come era andata la giornata, perché la sua era tutta un’ansia da reprimere, un libro sullo svezzamento svedese da terminare, una passeggiata nel parco bio, una mela non ancora colta da frullare. Bisognava essere preparati a tutto quando si usciva. Le mancava solo lo scudo e l’elmetto. Non facevamo una semplice camminata per rilassarci, era un educational e qualcosa per il bambino ancora in fasce. Piccolo moccioso di tre e kili e qualcosa che lei aveva voluto per unire la nostra famiglia, ma che io non avevo cercato in nessun modo. Due lineette rosa, una pancia da gestire, lettino e trio da ordinare. Ecografie ogni due settimane e una serie infinita di nomi, richieste, spruzzate di ormoni tra il dolce e il salato da arginare. Invece gli occhi azzurri di Susan erano pronti a lasciar via qualsiasi ansia. Lei non chiedeva, mi baciava, mi trascinava dentro il suo corpo, non era mai sazia. Mi spalancava a ogni piacere, senza mai smettere di guardarmi negli occhi. Darling, mi sussurrava tra l’orecchio e il collo. Non gli ho mai detto il mio nome. Mi accarezzava la guancia e poi mi teneva per mano. Un adolescente contatto dei palmi per non farmi sentire solo perché ero così che mi sentivo. Ostaggio in una casa al Flaminio con moglie e figlio piagnucolante. Ingrato alla vita? Susan mi svegliava per fare l’amore, eravamo liberi, non c’erano per me pappe, pannolini e uscite. Pediatri, aerosol, malattie. Era dolci ritorni i miei tra le sue gambe e non aspre battaglie per conquistare un lembo di lenzuolo tra svariate coperte da non sgualcire. Era tutto una specie di guerra tra me e mia moglie, solo che lei combatteva con i sorrisi sporchi, ambiziosi, tirati fuori ad arte mentre teneva in braccio il bambino. Sorrisi ben confezionati per farmi fuori. Era madre, io non servivo che a portare soldi e a ingerire qualsiasi tipo di frustrazione che probabilmente avevano un milioni di donne al primo figlio. Doveva anteporre il suo malessere immaginario a qualsiasi cosa. Poi l’occasione di lavoro e sono fuggito. C’era poco da fare in ufficio, così mi hanno proposto l’estero. I colleghi erano tutti disponibili e dei buoni lavoratori. Abbiamo presentato il progetto in sterline ed è stato subito un successo. Il lavoro si era concluso prima del previsto, mi sono buttato nel primo pub per festeggiare e sì l’ho fatto. Ho conosciuto la prima tizia che era seduta al tavolo accanto e sono andato a casa sua. È stato come nuotare in un fiume la cui corrente ti trasporta da una riva e l’altra, non c’era stanchezza ma voglia di superare i limiti, godere, sentire lei tra le braccia e non pensare a nessun ritorno. Non c’entra niente con l’amore. Lei, era l’aria che mi circondava, ma era il mio pene a soddisfarsi e nutrire la mia voglia di libertà. Non c’era modo di staccarsi dalla colazione strampalata con qualsiasi cosa che c’era in casa, non c’era modo di alzarsi e non raccontare bugie al microfono di un telefono stupido che sa solo emettere suoni. Eppure il ricordo di mia moglie si confondeva con quella donna ingenua e piena di speranze che mi veniva incontro con il vestito bianco. Era la promessa di stare insieme davanti a dei parenti che ti supplicano di rimanere con quella donna dopo tutti i soldi che avevano speso tra regalo, parrucchiere e vestiti. Ti imploravano di far funzionare le cose dopo il video orrendo girato per strappare consensi o perché anche loro avevano fallito e aspettavano che qualcun altro cadesse nella fossa insieme a loro. A tutti capita di guardarsi negli occhi e dirsi cosa non va ma nessuno ti dirà mai cosa realmente non va. C’è una birra, una partita di pallone, del sesso occasionale ma nessun ti dirà voglio fuggire da una moglie opprimente che ha scambiato i miei sogni con un mucchio di baggianate da gettare dalla finestra. Eppure è così. Ho chiuso la porta di Susan, non ci siamo scambiati nessun parola dolce, solo un Ciao. Lei non si aspetta che io ritorni e io non ho intenzione di farlo. Abbiamo scopato per dieci giorni e prima o poi doveva finire.

A Roma, mia moglie sarà seduta alla sedia con i depliant della scuola materna più costosa che c’è, mi saluterà, mi chiederà forse come è andata se è dell’umore giusto e poi si lamenterà della mia assenza, del mio lavoro e della sua stanchezza. Si lamenterà ed è la cosa che non sopporto più. Potrei non tornare. Sarebbe una fuga da quello che non voglio più essere. Potrei strappare il biglietto e rimanere qui, ma la favola con Susan è già finita. Il lieto fine chiude il libro e non c’è nessuno che ha scritto il dopo dietro la copertina offrendoci uno spiraglio di come sarebbero andate le cose se il principe non fosse stato all’altezza della principessa. Magari erano tutti ubriaconi e violenti ma no i principi sono perfetti, sorridono, offrono diamanti, benessere, un castello non si spaccano la schiena come i comuni mortali. Io non sono uno di loro e l’ho capito quando le favole per me sono cambiate. Le formiche sono diminuite, è quasi ora di pranzo. Prendo la borsa nera e mi confondo con il loro andare e venire. Il biglietto è in tasca. Il cielo è grigio ma non piove anche se qui nessuno porta l’ombrello neanche se diluvia.

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