15 OTTOBRE

Cordone

In occasione della GIORNATA MONDIALE DELLA CONSAPEVOLEZZA SULLA MORTE PERINATALE, questo racconto rappresenta una voce, una voce fra le tante che non rimane in silenzio, ma parla attraverso i gesti. Attraverso la follia di troppe braccia vuote che aspettano rispetto

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Ma dove sei?

Dove stai andando?

Perché nessuno ti vede tranne me?

Ricordi che si accartocciano insieme nel tempo.

 

Ti appoggi al palo del “dare precedenza”. Stringi quella trottola nella mano passandola poi nell’altra come se fosse una gemma. Ti diletti ad accarezzarne i bordi larghi, la pancia segnata da quel graffio che è una virgola senza vernice. La giri e rigiri tra le dita fino a quando decidi che è il momento di farla girare. Allora ti inchini con le gambe divaricate e la lanci. Il filo è un frusta sonante che da il movimento. Ti accoccoli tra le ginocchia, il busto si china lentamente. La trottola gira e tu dondoli con le mani penzolanti, strette in grembo. Stai lì, ferma a guardarla. Incantata da quel vortice impetuoso. La trottola gira su quel perno di metallo, balla la sua danza e tu ferma, immobile la osservi nei minimi dettagli. Quel chicco di asfalto, quella curva e la danza si fa sgraziata. La trottola inciampa nel suo ritmo e tu rimani ancora più ferma, con lo sguardo triste. L’hai vista fermarsi, sospendersi e arrotolarsi nella sporcizia della strada. Ma sei rimasta lì. Il cappotto lungo, ti intralcia, ti lambisce le caviglie. Calzini blu elettrico e qualcosa di arancione dai bordi irregolari spunta dal cappotto. Sciarpe e scialli si accavallano come strati di roccia. Sei massiccia ma nascondi qualcosa. Ti alzi di scatto, la donna davanti a te, quella seduta sulle scale della chiesa, ti guarda. Come si chiama la chiesa? Non ricordi più. Sei entrata in troppe santuari.

 

Quella donna ti osserva, sì osserva proprio te. Hai preso la trottola, l’hai accarezzata di nuovo e poi quelle dita grandi sono passate su quella ferita. Sei passata più volte. Come a volerla curare, ma non si può Non hai pennelli e colori, solo dita. Hai ripreso la cordicella e l’hai lanciata di nuovo e quel tuo muoverti lento, quella tua implosione in te stessa è stata come un antitesi al vorticare della trottola. Tu che ti accomodi con te stessa a un passo dall’asfalto e quella trottola che felice danza sulla strada libera. Senti che quella donna ha un filo con te, un filo di parole da inseguire. La donna ti spia, sei la sua droga. Non poteva non guardarti, avevi qualcosa che lei non sapeva esprimere. Tu eri lì con quel giocattolo. Tu eri semplicemente lì.

La trottola è inciampata di nuovo ed è caduta. La stessa piroetta di prima e lo stridere sull’asfalto. Tu guardi quella donna che si è mischiata alla folla all’uscita della messa. Avranno sentito quel rumore anche loro?

 

L’hai raccolta, pulita e di nuovo accarezzato quella ferita. Hai preso il laccio e hai infilato tutto in tasca. Ti senti osservata. Sei lì, ferma con quel giocattolo, con quel tuo cappotto logoro, sporco, sudicio. Hai alzato lo sguardo al cielo. Le nuvole si rincorrono. Sono bianche soffici, sanno di pensieri condensati. Ti senti spiata da lontano. Una ragazza fotografa ma tu non vuoi parlare con lei. Hai un carrello della spesa immenso pieno di buste e manici di scope. Tutto quel malloppo messo così alla rinfusa che magari per te ha un ordine. Ti siedi per terra. Le tue ginocchia si piegano e come una ballerina giapponese ti siedi su te stessa. Tu, sei ancora capace di pregare?

Ti sei messa le mani in tasca, sei rimasta ferma in quella posizione per qualche minuto. Tu li senti i ricordi? Quanto fanno male i tuoi? La trottola è un ricordo di te bambina?

La donna delle scale ti guarda da due scalini più in basso, ha uno scialle nero intorno al collo. Ha il collo allungato, forse vuole parlarti ma tu non hai voglia di condividere niente con nessuno. Rovinisti nelle tasche. Tiri fuori pezzi di carta, stoffe colorate, nastrini, pezzi di spago. Quelle tasche sembrano senza fondo. Il cappotto doveva essere marrone chiaro, si intravedono bordi di un beige non definito. È intriso di fango e di sporcizie di ogni genere, sembra pesante come quel tuo fardello che ti porti dietro. Scosti i lembi di quel sudiciume e sotto c’è un altro cappotto, quel lembo arancione è una specie di vestaglia con altre tasche. Frughi dentro e tiri fuori ovatta bianca, candida come queste nuvole. Ne tiri fuori tanta, poi un nastro che con la luce del sole prende un colore strano. Un uomo aspetta l’autobus, scosta la giacca per vedere l’ora, è infastidito. Tu non vuoi parlare con la gente che ha fretta.

Hai tutta quella roba lì, davanti a te. Prendi il carrello e frughi anche la dentro. Il barbone vicino a te si alza a sedere, coperto da una coltre di polvere. Rutta e si asciuga la bocca. Si gira e beve un sorso.  Ti volti dall’altra parte, con una smorfia che ti segna le labbra. I tuo occhi azzurri languidi mendicano qualcosa di puro. Il barbone si alza e si avvicina a te. Lo cacci con le mani. Forse puzza. Lo cacci via come meglio puoi. Lui si gira e torna nel suo mondo. Aspetti che qualcosa passi. Il tempo in certi momenti si ferma. Sembra non scorrere.

 

Tiri fuori giornali. Li pieghi con cura a terra. Le nuvole si stanno ammassando. Forse pioverà. Cominci a tagliare i giornali, forse facevi la sarta perché li tagli con cura. Le tue mani sono forbici precise. Sembri canticchiare una canzoncina, si muovono le tue labbra come fossero miele che scende sulle ciambelle. Sono zuccherose, docili, flebili. Tagli quei giornali in tanti triangoli, poi li adagi uno sull’altro. Piano piano, muovi la testa. Hai un cappello da pescatore scuro. Un raggio di sole ti illumina mentre una ciocca cade soffice. Assomiglia a un bocciolo bianco. Ti accarezza la guancia ondeggiando morbido. Sei lieve con le tue mani sporche. Pieghi e ripieghi qualcosa di infinito, sembra un ricamo fatto di inchiostro. Chiudi dentro quei ritagli tutto il tuo tesoro di fili tranne uno, quello dal colore strano. Leghi il tuo pacchetto. Fai un fiocco, sembra un mazzo di fiori senza steli né corolle. Vuoto. Prendi dell’altro giornale e trovi la confezione colorata di un uovo di Pasqua. L’avevi dimenticata a giudicare dall’espressione del tuo volto. C’è scritto Motta ed è rosa. Rosa.

Guardi quella carta, la giri e la rigiri. La lecchi come se avesse ancora della cioccolata. Una mamma tira a sé il bambino, disgustata. Prendi la plastica e la passi intorno, avvolgi quella palla. Sei delicata, come se maneggiassi la porcellana. Prendi il giornale, lo avvolgi intorno alla plastica e metti l’ovatta. La tua palla nelle tue mani. La testa della donna adagiata sui gradini, è stretta nelle sue mani. Sembrano tutte le stesse mani che sorreggono. Prendi il resto del giornale e posizioni la testa in una piccola apertura. Lo modelli ancora e poi ti siedi. Le tue ginocchia non reggono più e sembri una di quelle Madonne nei dipinti. Prendi quel sacco di giornali e lo culli. Accoccoli quella testa di ovatta al centro del gomito e le tue labbra riprendono quelle parole dolci. Le sussurri vicino a quel corpo inanimato. Le tue braccia seguono le parole che la donna delle scale non sente. Nessuno sa più sentire. Ti muovi come una canna sospinta dal vento. Avanti e indietro. Ti culli dolcemente.

La donna delle scale si alza. Porta una borsa della spesa con della frutta. Si avvicina a te ma non vuoi vederla. Canti una ninna nanna, ma non vuoi farti sentire da quella donna. Lei si avvicina. Lei vuole sentire. Si avvicina troppo. Ti fermi e cominci ad urlare così la donna deve fare qualche passo indietro. Urli, strilli. Stringi quel bambino di giornali. Urli qualcosa che la donna non capisce, dalle tue labbra muore la ninna nanna, si riveste di insulti contro il mondo. Tu sei volgare, odi il mondo. Odi quella donna con la faccia da ebete. Strilli, proteggi il tuo bambino, lo avvolgi ancora di più nelle tue braccia. Lo stringi forte. Ringhi come una bestia, ringhi e urli. Una voce acuta investe i passanti. Ringhi e ragli frasi e parolacce. Ti giri verso quella testolina pelata e cominci a baciarla. E ti calmi. Piano. Dolcemente riprendi a ninnarlo. Le tue parole sono solo le tue. Culli il tuo bambino. La donna è lì, davanti a te e tiene in braccio quel sacco di frutta. Non parla, non culla, ma vorrebbe farlo. Tu senti quel disagio, quella storia interrotta. Tu non vuoi parlare con altre donne. Tu non vuoi parlare con nessuno, solo cullare il tuo bambino di giornali.

La donna stringe quel sacco di plastica blu da dove spuntano delle banane. Lo stringe e piange. Tu culli e lei piange. Stai cullando anche i sogni di quella donna? Anche lei ha le braccia vuote? Anche quella donna ha una cicatrice sulla pancia? Anche lei accarezza il niente quando si addormenta la sera e parla da sola?

 

Tu l’hai fatto, giravi per casa chiamando quel piccolo nome. Annusavi le sue cose e piangevi. Urlavi dalla rabbia, ti chiedevi perché sbattendo la testa al muro. Anche quella donna è stata tradita da madre natura? Anche lei ha un corpo fallato come il tuo? Un contenitore sempre vuoto. Hai sperato, amato, creduto e anche pregato. Non è servito. Ti sei ritrovata fra quei dottori che ti dicevano che non c’era più battito e piangevi come questa donna,ora. Hai partorito in silenzio, le speranze erano diventate mute. I tuoi occhi erano pozzi senza fine. Hai urlato, ma dentro te stessa. Hai creato una spaccatura tra il prima e il dopo. Sei sopravvissuta al mentre.

 

Tu non vuoi parlare con le donne che non hanno più sogni ma solo ricordi. Culli quella parte di te che è ancora figlia, culli la madre mancata, culli il tuo bambino strozzato dalla vita prima ancora di nascere. Culli il mondo, l’attesa e la disattesa epifania di un incontro ad occhi chiusi. Culli un mondo sotterraneo, quello di madri con un filo sospeso fra cielo e terra.

 

Il barbone si sveglia, si avvicina e vuole litigare. È ubriaco, tu vuoi solo proteggere il tuo bambino. Lo stringi, quel barbone ha un’aria minacciosa, vuole qualcosa che si trova nel tuo carrello. La donna davanti a te continua a piangere, non interviene, stringe le sue banane. Trema. Potrebbe scappare, ma rimane ferma come se stesse vedendo qualcosa a cui non sa sottrarsi. Tu lo sai, sai quanto dolore c’è dietro. Sai quanta strada c’è nell’attraversare quel fiume di sofferenza che ti scava dentro. E allora diventi cattiva. Tuo figlio non tornerà più, la consapevolezza è una lama che trafigge la cicatrice che hai tra il cuore e il vuoto. Distruggi quel fagotto. Il barbone tira fuori una bottiglia e urla qualcosa in una lingua incomprensibile. Strappi via tutti quei giornali, la donna davanti a te è sconvolta. Ha fatto tre passi indietro. La gente passa veloce, guarda e distoglie subito lo sguardo. Strappi con violenza, in fondo non ti è rimasto che questo creare e distruggere. Un equilibrio quasi perfetto al limite del baratro. Tutti ti credono pazza. Sì, lo sei.

 

Riprendi quei giornali mozzati come meglio puoi e li riponi dentro al carrello, infili tutto alla rinfusa maledicendo il mondo. Butti al vento la plastica che  si attacca a un palo. I fili li rimetti in tasca, l’ovatta dentro al cappotto. Tutto ritorna al suo posto. Riprendi la trottola. Il filo. Quel cordone ombelicale che teneva unito te e la donna, te e il bambino che custodivi dentro.

Forse pioverà.

La donna è in fondo al marciapiede con la sua busta di frutta stretta al petto. Ti senti stanca. Non puoi fingere di non essere stata là, in quell’orrore. Tu non puoi scappare, gli altri possono. Rimani, perché la follia è solo l’ultima tappa del dolore. La donna torna indietro, posa la busta in terra vicino ai tuoi stracci. Tentenna.

– Le farà bene, la frutta, a me non serve più.

 

Non capisci. Non ti interessa, tu non parli con la gente. Prendi il sacchetto prima che te lo rubino. Apri una banana e la magi in fretta. La infili tutta in bocca e mentre mastichi, la polpa cade sul cappotto, Per toglierla la spalmi ancora di più. La banana diventa nera. Le tua mani sporcano tutto. La donna indietreggia e vede volare un pezzo di giornale, lo rincorre e lo prende. Se lo mette in tasca e ti guarda. Sei avida, affamata, sporca. Il vento si alza forte, sparge d’un colpo tutti quei pezzettini, la donna vorrebbe raccoglierli uno ad uno e riconsegnarti quel bambino, ma anche per lei la consapevolezza della morte è un puzzle di sentimenti confusi. Niente tornerà più come prima. Tu mangi un’altra banana prima che il vento freddo della sera te la porti via.

E piove.

176 Thoughts.

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